A new change of blog title... for a new change in my life, a new beginning...
I have always admired those people who have blogs that are full of honesty.... about the good times and the bad times and who aren't afraid to be themselves. Well....that's what my blog is going to be about from now on.
It's been a very intense few days. A very hard, very tiring, draining journey. But a journey that has finally helped me to break down my barriers.. to help me be free.
I'll back up a bit to explain. Over the years, I developed a habit. A habit of putting up a front. Putting on a happy face, and saying "I'm fine".. even when I wasn't. The worst I felt, the bigger the smile. It became my way of coping, a defence mechanism, a survival method. If I said I was "fine" enough times.. maybe, just maybe I actually would be fine. If I admitted that I was struggling... then it would make it even more real, even more painful. So to cope, I would plaster that smile on my face and soldier on.
My family, though, were the only ones who could past my smile. Thank God for them. And of course Lewy... my rock, who knows me so well and knows how to support me in the way that I need.
Don't get me wrong.... a lot of the time, when I have been happy and positive and smiling... I actually have been feeling great :) It's just that when the going gets tough, I withdraw, I pretend I'm okay and I don't tell my friends that I'm struggling.
These last few days, have been hard. And finally....finally.....I have opened up and broken down those walls to let others know how I am feeling.
I spent some time thinking about how much to share on my blog... what I felt comfortable to share. Then I realised.. I'm tired of putting on a 'happy' face. I'm tired of pretending to be okay, when at times I'm not. So now is the time for honesty. The walls are coming down! and my goodness.... I feel so free! Now I can be ME.
I have Post Natal Depression. When I was first diagnosed when Jacob was 4 months, I completely dismissed it. I am 'FINE' I told myself. I DO NOT have PND. I am fine.... it wasn't until another 4 months later, that it finally hit me like a tonne of bricks. Wow. I actually DO have PND. Instead of feeling upset.. I felt relieved. Relieved that there was a reason for how I had been feeling.
I told my sister Pam. You know what she said? "I know hun, I've known for awhile, I just knew you needed time to accept it". Boy, does she know me so well. She knows that unless I come to a realisation myself, I won't accept it. Funnily enough, my family, Lewy, my mother in law... they all knew..... they just knew I needed time to admit it and let it sink in.
Even then though... I still didn't share with anyone else what I was going through. I don't know why. But that isn't important. What's important is that in the last few days, big things have happened. In the hardest but the best way. A few days ago... I completely fell apart. I got to the end of my rope. I had nothing left. I was completely empty and woke up at 2am Thursday morning and knew I needed to change.
On the way to Mandurah... whilst praying my little heart out, a word kept coming to me over and over again. Honesty. I knew it was time to break down the walls, to be myself, to allow myself to feel vulnerable and fragile and let my friends know that this is me and I'm struggling.
I spent lots of time on the phone and emailed with some very special friends. I poured my heart out, I told them everything. It felt so freeing. I couldn't believe it...they accepted me anyway. They loved me anyway. They wanted to be there for me. I don't know why I expected any different... my barriers had distorted my view, but those walls came down and my friends still loved me. I feel like it's a new beginning. A new way of life. To be me. Maybe I felt like being me wasn't good enough, so I didn't want to share the not so great side of me.
While with my parents, my Dad told me the Shakespeare Quote:
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!
Oh how true this is for me. Goodbye to my old self of 'pretending'. Welcome... the real Tracey :)
This blog will change. Of course, I'm going to still share my wonderful happy times, my joy with my sons, my wonderful family and friends... but I'm not going to pretend that I'm okay if I start to struggle. I will share my 'real' life. My mind works overtime. That's me. I think deeply and I feel deeply.. and I want to share it all with you.
It may not always be pretty, but it will be real. And I want to be 'true to myself' and true to you.
In the spirit of sharing. Now feels like the right time to share some more things about myself. I am a Christian. It's not just a big part of my life... it's everything in my life. My faith, my relationship with God, my belief... it's my all. It's my basis for living, it's my purpose for living. I may stumble...and struggle...and be so totally less than perfect, but my faith gets me through and when I actually 'ask' for help, God always comes through. I have been praying for change, to start afresh... and boy, did God not only help me to break my walls down... but he surrounded me with love from my friends and family to catch me so I didn't fall.
I want you to know though.... I have a deep sincere respect for other's beliefs. I am not one of 'those' people who think I am right and you are wrong. I am on my own journey, and others are on theirs. I want to share not only my beliefs, but to hear others' beliefs as well. To share and be open and free to talk about all things, religion, life, love, struggles and our journey's.
I hope I have some followers left after all of that! :)
I feel like this really is a new beginning, and I'm glad you are here to share it. I was very particular with who I gave my blog link to. If you are reading this blog, it's because I knew I wanted to share my life with you and to share your life. For anyone that has come across my blog by accident...then you are meant to be here too :)
After all that heavy sharing... I'm switching to some happy, general news! Thanks for listening and thanks for accepting me anyway :)
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My photography course - it's going wonderfully! I love my teacher. We have exchanged many emails and she has answered all of my many many questions. I have now successfully completed Week 2. Not only that, but my teacher was very happy with my photos. That's a big thing!!!!
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While I was in Mandurah, my wonderful friend Val, organised for me to go for a massage. What a treat! It was such a surprise and perfect timing :) Thank you Val from the bottom of my heart, your support means so much to me, I am truly blessed to have you in my life.
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Thank you all for reading... if you made it this far, you did very very well! We are in for a new journey! A fresh start, a deeper friendship.. I'm glad you are here :) xx
