It's hard to even know where to start.. my mind is often a whirlwind of thought that it's hard to slow it down long enough to find the right words to explain how I'm feeling.
I thought now would be a good time for an update on my journey. Sam is out for the morning and Jacob is sleeping... so in the peace and quiet, my mind can slow down.
The problem with depression, is that when it hits, it feels like a big black heavy cloud over your head, one that makes your whole body and mind crumble under the weight of it. Being productive, proactive, positive ... those things are impossible. It's like there are two sides of you. One side is screaming to "snap out of it and get on with", and the other side is numb and can barely breathe. It can be so overwhelming that even the simplest of tasks become as hard as running a 5km race. Making a phone call, writing a shopping list.. those things feel like the hardest things possible. For those who have been through depression, will know exactly what I mean... for those who haven't, would find it strange that it would be hard to do a simple task.. but it's like your body isn't your own any more, you WANT to do these things but the cloud takes over and you can barely breathe let alone make a phone call... which is why in the past I withdrew from everyone, it's all I could do to cope.
One thing I am grateful for, is that no matter what I'm going through.. my love for my boys and my ability to take care of them and provide for them, has never been affected no matter how bad I felt. This is truly a blessing, that my bond with them has remained strong.
I'm not a stranger to depression, I've learnt how to read the signs of when it's coming, and I've learnt how to pick it up in time so that it doesn't overwhelm me. This time however, after Jacob was born, I was too tired and too stressed and too busy with bringing up 2 children, to see the signs in time. By the time I realised what was happening, the black cloud has set up home and took over.
In the past, I have pushed against depression and saw it as a sign that I wasn't being positive enough or strong enough. I would beat myself up and feel a failure when I couldn't meet my high self set expectations.
Things were different this time around, when my doctor told me some information that changed everything. He told me that when depression occurs, for whatever reason whether it is a traumatic experience, post natal, stress, etc etc, the chemicals in your brain alter, which causes the depression.. and then it takes at least 10 months for the chemicals to adjust back to how they were. I sat in the doctors room and it hit me hard. WOW, it really has nothing to do with how strong I am or how positive I should be... it truly IS a chemical issue. Just like breaking a leg, or getting an infection... depression is just another medical issue that needs to be sorted. Of course I knew all this stuff before, I just didn't believe it. I really did think that if I WAS indeed strong enough I would be able to get over the depression myself. So this was a big deal for me to finally realise the truth and to accept it.
During this time I have also learnt to be kinder to myself. To realise that while I'm in the process of getting better, there will be bad days and there will be good days. I am learning that when the dark cloud comes... to accept it, to lower my expectations and to ride the wave until it passes... and it always passes, I just have to let it.
On Wednesday, the dark cloud came and it came strong. Instead of getting frustrated, I accepted that it was there and I set very small goals instead of making it hard for myself. I decided that if I could at least get dinner on the table, keep the house clean, and spend time with my boys.. then the day would be a success. And it was. The cloud was there, I didn't like how it felt.. but I accepted it and knew it would pass. And sure enough, I woke on Thursday morning and the cloud had shifted.
I am putting things in place, to ensure that I don't get to a point again where I am trying to do it all and I am lowering my expectations to a more realistic level. Sam is starting daycare, I am in the process of organising a 2 day break just by myself (yay!), and organising nights out with friends and family as a way to have a refresher every now and then. More importantly, I am making sure I keep the doors open and not withdrawing when things feel hard. This has been a big breakthrough for me and I couldn't have done it if I didn't have such supportive and loving friends and family like you all.
The dark cloud days are getting fewer and the good days are becoming more and more regular. This is good!
It's all about riding the waves.... :)
Thanks for listening, love you all xxx
P.S I'm going to update with Part 2 later on today, which will be full of photos and full of all the good things from today.. to end the day on a high note :)
