Let Go

Dear Blog,

I did not enjoy this week very much... it was exhausting and draining.

My mind and heart was way too full and overflowing in a way I could not contain.

Work recently hired a new Manager. Due to unfortunate situations he bought upon himself, he was fired... and given a short time to pack his belongings and leave. It was heart wrenching. Most of us knew this poor man's fate before he did, and to watch him continue his work throughout the morning with no idea what was about to happen .. well, it was more than I could handle. I can't tell you the amount of times I snuck into the bathroom, to breathe and pray my heart out for this man.

It was a no win situation. Work trying to do their best by everyone. A man who realised his mistakes but it had gone beyond repair. There was no other solution.

 I felt sick to my stomach.

I can't bear knowing someone is hurting. My heart can't bear it. It made me think a lot about God's mercy for us, God's forgiveness and his love for us no matter what mistakes we make. Life though isn't always so gracious. This week has made me appreciate God's love, patience and grace, no matter how badly I stuff up.

This man, after packing up his belongings in the office, while we all continued to stare at our computer screens like our life depended on it, in fear of making eye contact.. he came out, and with professionalism, humility and courage, he said goodbye and that regardless of everything else, he enjoyed working with us in that short time. I took one more trip to the bathroom after that, to say another prayer, to slow my heart rate and to wipe my tears. 

We all make mistakes. Some bigger than others which cause a big rift in our life's path. But as our boss said tonight, as he poured everyone a glass of wine after work, and stood up to make a speech "whatever happens in life, it will pass, it will get better and we will move on. No problem is so big that it cannot be solved or healed in time".

I have felt a huge weight on my shoulders this week. Carrying a huge burden.

***At this point, I feel I need to clarify a very important point. This is not depression. When someone struggles with depression, not every stressful time or hard week means they are falling back into depression. Not in the slightest. Life is life, and life gets hard. Sometimes I feel concerned that if I share my life's struggles people automatically think 'depression'. No no no. Depression is sneaky. It side swipes you when  you least except it. This post is just about typical life. What we all experience. The struggles, the hard times, the heart aches.***

So moving on. This burden. I have felt it because my heart has been heavy with emotion and empathy for this man at work. This week has also bought some other issues that I have been dealing with and trying to make sure everyone is happy. Oh boy.. that is draining. I want nothing more than those I love to be happy. When I feel someone is not. I feel it so much that I stumble under the weight of it.

If you follow me on Instagram you would know that the book 'Bloom' that I posted about a few days ago, arrived yesterday. It was perfect timing and I am half way through already. One piece of writing jumped out of the pages to me and gave me the strength to do what I knew I needed to do - Let Go and give it to God.

"I keep picturing a river with this crazy rushing current. You can hang on and get exhausted struggling to just stay alive, stuck to that rock, or you can let go and be carried by where it's going to take you. You have to let go" Carin Cryderman


So last night, I let go. I told God he could take all my heart ache, all my worries, all my burden.... and He did what God always promises He will do. He gave me rest and eased my pain, and I felt the burden lift off my shoulders and I finally felt like I could breathe.

The weekend is here and I welcome it with open arms. I need this weekend. I need to spend time with my boys, Lewy, in the safety and comfort of our house.. so we can be refreshed and begin again next week.

Life goes on and for that I'm happy.

Tonight... brings wine, the blog, the book... which I plan on finishing once I press 'Publish' on this. If you can, I highly recommend you read Bloom. It is full of what is important in life. My copy is here for anyone to borrow - so just say the word. :)

Cheers, goodnight and sweet dreams :)